I come from a family of big eaters. If you had to ask me what I know for sure about my family, it’s that we love to cook, we love to eat and we love to laugh. And normally those three go hand in hand. My happiest memories revolve around sitting at the kitchen table eating, talking and laughing. It’s the one place where we are able to engage with each other without there being any drama. Because if there is another thing I know for sure, it’s that when my family gets together, there is bound to be drama.
My grandmother was the doyenne of the kitchen. She could whip up a Michelin star meal from the scraps of nothing. I think she was the Food Whisperer. Ingredients spoke to her. They told her the secrets of which herbs or spices blended the best together, and how much of this goes with how much of that, to extract the tastiest flavours from whatever she was cooking. When you ate her food you tasted love. This is probably the reason why she had so many visitors. She was always in the kitchen happily feeding everyone, and their strays.
And I’m sure this is the reason why I have such a healthy (side-eye) relationship with food. It represents love and happiness to me. And yes I am still a slut of an emotional eater which you can read about here. But logic dictates that this all stems from food taking me to such a happy orgasmic place.
Now, if my grandmother was the doyenne of the kitchen, then my father is the king of comedy. He loves a good joke, especially a dirty one. And when he tells a joke, he is the first one to roll his head back and let out a roar so loud and so boisterous that you can’t help but get caught up in the tidal wave of laughter. But as much as he loves a good joke, what he really loves most in the world is to tease people. If you enter the Lawler household best you do it with your thick skin on.
So I know for sure that if I had to walk into my father’s house right now, with the current curves that I possess, he would say with a big smile on his face, “Ooh I see you getting nice and JANANDA (pronounced Ja-nun-da.). You must be hitting those pots in South Korea.” Cue for two minutes of earth shaking laughter. Now I don’t know where this term JANANDA comes from, but in my family it means that the cheeks on your face and your butt are getting nice and big and rosy, to be polite. And if you don’t have any curves and you’re looking a little mal-nourished then you can be sure to be called SKINNY MALINKS.
This is JANANDA
This is SKINNY MALINKS (Yes, that’s me)
When I return home in 5 months time and my father says, “To what do I owe this great honour, that my prodigal daughter has returned.” I don’t want the next words out of his mouth to be “ooh I see you getting nice and JANANDA , you must be hitting those pots in South Korea”.
I want to be somewhere in the middle, somewhere between JANANDA and SKINNY MALINKS. So I took the time today to write down the 5 biggest “white lies” I’m currently feeding myself with regards to food and exercise:
- When confronted with anything dessertified or sweet – If you don’t wake up tomorrow morning will you have regrets about not eating this fat slice of chocolate cake? Yes. Then eat it. The answer is always yes.
- When deciding on doing exercise – 90% of your weight depends on what you eat and 10% on exercise. (I’m delusional, I make up these stats, please don’t quote me). So, TOMORROW, I will start eating healthy.
- Eating makes me happy. I want to be happy. I’d rather be curvaceous and happy then skinny and unhappy.
- On deciding to join a gym – I don’t like sweating in front of other people.
- When confronted with anything delicious and non-healthy – It’s ONLY 878 calories, if I eat this now then later I’ll have ???Calories or I won’t eat at all. LIES.
I’m an intelligent woman, I know they’re lies but still I listen to them. I need your help. I’ve started the #STOPJANANDA2012 campaign. I need to put an action kit together. Do you have any ideas? How do I stop listening to the lies? What eating plan or exercise plan works for you?