Dumped In Darkness

Downtown New York

Downtown New York (Photo credit: sreevishnu)

I was dumped. I was sad. I wallowed. I ate. I felt the disappointment.

I got up. I ate. I drank lots of coffee. I got dressed. I kept moving.

And I kept moving not because I’m some sort of saint-in-life, but because my survival depended on it.

The last I “spoke” to you I was falling in love with New York. I had questions about whether I could be vulnerable and questions about how far and how deep it could go. I was hopeful, I was glowing and I was very excited.

After a few weeks of that tingling feeling of living the New York life, almost overnight some bitch stormed in and whipped up her accomplices in a frenzy of jealous rage as if to say, “if I can’t have him no-one will”.

And that, as they say was that.

Pure darkness followed. Cut-off and cut-out, with no explanations.

All I can say is that these things happen in relationships and happen in life. Sometimes things fail, sometimes we fail and sometimes we don’t know why.

Storms come and they go. Sometimes big, sometimes small.

Storm Approaching Paradise - Coral Island, Phu...

Storm Approaching Paradise – Coral Island, Phuket, Thailand (Photo credit: Captain Kimo)

I wish I could assure you that by living a certain way or in a certain place would guarantee a life free of struggles and free of storms. I wish I could assure you that these storms would pass you by unscathed and untouched by heartbreak and destruction. And I wish I could assure you that when you do get knocked down it’s easy to get straight back up.

All I can assure you of is that life is all about getting back up. It doesn’t really matter how or when, but it does matter that you do.

When I woke up every morning ready to complain about the electricity or the bucket bath I remembered that there are those who go everyday without this ‘luxury’. I remembered that there were those who lost their lives, lost their home and lost their dreams in this storm.

New York also reminded me that with the loss or frustration or heartbreak that these storms bring, they also bring hope. The spirit of people, of communities, and of those who choose a profession that puts them in the front line of danger in order to protect and serve, restores faith.

And it was those people who choose everyday to protect and serve that got straight back up. And on the weight of their backs we all got back up.

It’s in these storms of life that we realise that as fragile as we are as humans, we are also resilient. And in being resilient we realise the depth of our inner strength. And in realising the depth of our inner strength we realise our capacity to love.

And it is in realising my capacity to love that I have come full circle. I got dumped, I felt the full gambit of emotions but I came back to a place of love. New York remains in my heart.

It’s given me a new sense of freedom, a new sense of hope and a new sense of attitude.

With these feelings I’ve come back home to South Africa to celebrate another year of my life, to embrace the love of my family over Christmas, to usher in a new year and move on.

I’m still groping in the dark with regards to my future, something a lot of people don’t understand, but that’s ok, because I know, whatever may come, I’ll always get straight back up. And I know you will too.

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Balance, my friend, where art thou?

I may be pregnant or pre-menopausal or just highly imbalanced. This past week my emotions have been all over the charts but nowhere near the happy spot.  They’ve been lurking in the dark, shadowy alley of anger, irritation and sometimes rage, waiting to pounce and attack. And when they’ve not been in the dark alley of anger then they’ve been visiting the tearful ducts of sadness. Wallowing in a place of nowhere-ness. Knowing and not knowing, sitting in that uncomfortable place in my chest.

I have something to say but the words can’t seem to find the right channel for expressing themselves. Either they want to scream and shout and throw things, like an implosion of the self. Like that time in my other life when I threw my phone at the ex-caveman and it smashed against the wall and I got more upset, not because my phone was in pieces but because it hit the wall and not his head.

Or they want to break down and sob and cry and sniff sniff sniff. Like that time in my other life when I became emotionally unhinged, after the ex-caveman and I signed the death certificate on our relationship, and my sister had to come and put the screws back in. But don’t worry, all my parts are now safe and secure. The current caveman though,  poor thing, is not taking any chances, and is presently in hiding. Whereabouts unknown.

I started the week in a mood with a facebook friends massacre. I pushed that delete button like I was wielding a deadly weapon.  Delete. Delete. Delete. I was ruthless and deadly and it felt so damn good. And I ended the week with the purchase of my plane ticket back home, even though its more than 5 months away.

Balance is avoiding me like that elusive friend who says they gonna call you but never do, they gonna pay you back as soon as they can but never do, or they gonna see you soon but never do.

And I’ve been resisting putting pen to paper because the undercurrents of these emotions are pulling me in all kinds of directions. This blog was supposed to be about one thing and somehow became about something entirely different.

I hope I’m not pregnant or pre-menopausal or emotionally imbalanced. I hope I’m not losing my mind. I hope the caveman returns. I hope Balance stops avoiding me. He must be a man, who else would disappear at the first signs of emotional upheaval. And I hope my thoughts and ideas stop playing see-saw so I can get some sleep tonight.

A new week is about to begin, here’s to hope and finding Balance.