No Jane of the Jungle: Part 2

2 years ago while in Korea I decided to put my big girl panties on and venture out into the jungle. The dating jungle that is. I really don’t know what possessed me to do such a thing. Perhaps it was one too many nights spent cuddling up with a book or some misguided fear of missing out.

Even though I had heard some nightmarish stories, I felt strangely brave and excited. I mean, how bad could it really be?

Let’s just say, that it was disastrous an eye-opening adventure. An adventure that led me to one realisation: I am No Jane of the Jungle.
I decided at that point to stick to my books, movies and numerous dates with chocolate cake.

As a result, my curves are now amp-ler, my cleavage is lots-er-er and my butt is cushioned-der-rer. I am packing in all the right places.

Luckily for me, I have since left the Land of the Skinny and am now living in a Place of Undulating Foothills and Mountainous Terrain (my home South Africa). I feel like a normal part of society again and not some alien fatty inhabiting the shores of a shapeless race.

With this new sense of normality came a false sense of optimism and confidence. Whilst not actively seeking to date I have been out.

Now, how can I put it to you? Ummmm….let me put it this way; I’m no longer in jungle territory, more like the open Wild.

In the jungle, I wasn’t sure what was lurking around, it was all foreign to me, including some of the animals. Now I’m in familiar territory. I can spot a baboon a mile away. I can see the vulture swooping in for the kill and I can hear the laughing hyena.

While the animals are now identifiable the behaviour is not. You think you keeping company with a lion in the meantime it’s a fox. You think you’re conversating with an elephant in the meantime it’s a parrot. You think you dining with a giraffe in the meantime it’s a pig.

I mean it’s very confusing. The evolution in the Wild is taking a different turn. I can’t keep up. So what I’ve now realised is that I’m no Jane of the Jungle nor am I a Winnie in the Wild.

So what am I?

I don’t yet know. What I am thinking though, is that I may have to stay indoors…….

and start collecting cats?

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A Single shot of Truth

I initially wrote a tell-all straight-up-truth post about being single, dating and sex. When I mentioned it to my friend yesterday she gave me a look so horrifying, I thought I’d better sleep on it. Luckily for those whose hearts might have been beating a little faster by now, her look of sheer horror made me decide to spare the trauma it might have caused to some ego’s. It was not a kiss-and-tell, just some general truths women never tell men.

Anyway it was all linked to me watching “Think Like A Man” which I thought was a load of crap, and happening upon this article talking about the new Mr Right: Mr Right Always and not Mr Right Now. Some of the things about Mr Right Always:

  •  supports your career and ambitions
  •  is proud when you achieve professionally
  • doesn’t expect to be waited on but does expect to be helped
  • enjoys doing things for you just as you do for him
  • knows who your friends are and makes an effort with them
  • doesn’t feel competitive with you. Your wins are his too.

I sent this to a few of my single friends and they all wrote back wanting to know if such men still exist? Honestly, I don’t know. Do they? No, it’s not a rhetorical question, I’m asking, do they?

I’ve been single for so long I feel like I need to join a support group.

Hi, my name is Lisa and I’m single. My last boyfriend was 3 years ago.

Say hello to Lisa everyone.

Sometimes I find the topic of singledom amongst women to be like that of ‘giving birth’. Ask a woman what its like to have a child and she’ll tell you all the glowing details leaving out the most important parts, the truth. I’m sure it’s a wonderful experience but what I really want to know is how painful it is, how messy it is, how draining it is, how hard it is?

It’s the same for being single. Everyone will tell you how happy they are, how it doesn’t bother them, how they are not looking. No-one really wants to talk about the fact that it can get lonely. That it can be hard.  That it’s not always fun. That the real truth is that we all secretly want to be in a relationship.

When you’re newly single it can be a bit scary at first, you think can I really do this? Can I survive on my own? Then you start hanging out with friends, going to dinners, parties, lunch dates, shopping, you’re giddy with all this freedom and free time. Being single is the best thing ever. You gain some confidence, you feel amazing and then you decide to start meeting people, putting yourself out there.  And this is where it can start to get a little hairy. (You can read about my “dating” experiences in Korea here.)

Personally I’ve found dating to be complicated, confusing, and hard work. I don’t understand what happened to honesty, just telling the truth and being transparent about what you want and who you are. I don’t want to figure it out, read between the lines or play the game. Because when you not sure what the rules are or how it’s played you’ll find yourself in dangerously painful territory.

There are all sorts of things I never imagined having to negotiate when I first became single. To give you a bit of background, 3 years ago I came out of a 5 year relationship that for the most part was good, but it left me feeling broken and empty. I got lost in the relationship, lost my sense of self, lost my way, forgot my essence. After that, I took the time I needed to re-discover and heal myself before I even thought about meeting someone else.

And let me just say after my foray into the world of dating, that it’s hard enough just trying to meet wholesome people, but now you also have to deal with the notions of “friends with benefits”, “it’s complicated” (are we just friends going for coffee, are we just hanging out and having some fun, are we mutually exclusive, are we just friends having sex, oh no wait, that’s friends with benefits), “casual dating”, and being a “cougar”. I’ve been having a lot of that lately. I’m 35 and just this week I had a 20-year-old wanting to go out with me. Ummm….yeah, just the idea was a stretch for my imagination. I’m no Samantha.

I’ve reached a plateau with regards to this dating thing. After the initial period of being on a high it becomes a bit tiresome. For me anyway. I also think it’s a bit harder to do when you’re comfortable and happy with yourself and you know what you want. When I was younger and stupider it all seemed a lot easier.

I don’t know where this plateau will lead, a climb up the mountain or a descent into a valley, and I think I like it that way. I haven’t given up, just let it go. The only advice I could give anyone in the same situation is to spend this time concentrating on you. Its part of the human condition to want to feel and know that you are loved. The most important thing I’ve learnt is not to try to force it, let it beckon you.

And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course. Kahlil Gibran.

 

 

 

What happens when you give a woman a comb and a bra!

I’ve heard that a while, while back when we lived in caves, we used to be Gatherers, and then a while back when caves became houses we used to Clean and Care For, and then at some point, back there, when we left the caves that became houses, we Worked, a little, apparently.

And I’ve also heard that one day, after the cavewoman combed her hair and tucked in her boobs, she got a little attitude and called herself a housewife.

And after the housewife cooked a casserole and baked a cake, polished the floor and dusted the furniture, nursed the child and balanced the budget, she got even more attitude, and even a little lip, and called herself a secretary.

And after the secretary made coffee and typed a few lines, answered the phone and wrote down some messages, arranged appointments and organised meetings she looked around the room and realised ………..

that if the cavemen disguised as businessmen, who surrounded her, who beat their chests and scratched their balls, could run a business, then so could she.

So, with her new attitude, manicured nails and little heels, she stepped out of line and sent her daughters to university, started her own business , bought her own car and started telling her caveman, who, where, what, why and how. Can you imagine? The cheek of her.

And now things are getting completely out of hand.  Her daughters are running countries, owning networks, managing corporations, starting businesses, buying property, investing money, becoming powerful and dare we say independent.

If you ask her daughter of the 21st century when she’s going to find a husband, her response is… “hus-band? What is that? A new type of hair accessory?” OR

Aren’t you worried about your biological clock going tick tock…..”Biological clock? Girl, please , that’s so yesteryear,  I’ll  just adopt” OR

Do you have a boyfriend?…. “I do actually, his name is Vibrator. When I talk, he listens. When I work late, he doesn’t call or complain, he understands.  When I get home and put my feet up after a long stressful day, he doesn’t ask what’s for dinner. And when I need a massage, he gives me one, willingly. Anyhoo, nice chatting, I’ve gotta run, run the World, that is. Bye ”

The caveman is sitting on his rock and shaking his head, wondering where and how it all went wrong. He had it under control for so long. See what happens when you give a woman a comb and a bra?  Tsk. Tsk.